


and I still talk to you (when I'm screaming at the sky)

by everdeenwayland



Category: Tenet (2020)
Genre: Canon Compliant, F/M, Fix-It, Fluff, I spent way too long writing this, M/M, One Shot, Pining, Really Slowburn, Yearning, angst but not much, bi protagonist, i love them, kind of, sad ending perhaps ?, slowburn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-08
Updated: 2020-10-08
Packaged: 2021-03-07 18:56:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,839
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26902489
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/everdeenwayland/pseuds/everdeenwayland
Summary: He is your beginning, and you are his end. It doesn't get much simpler than that.
Relationships: Neil/The Protagonist (Tenet)
Comments: 5
Kudos: 69





	and I still talk to you (when I'm screaming at the sky)

**Author's Note:**

> Hey everyone!  
> I fell in love with their dynamics since the first second of the movie, and I couldn't not write them u know, I had to make them have closure. I added a few small details just for the sake of my amusement like the fact that they travel to my country and some Taylor Swift's reference, tell me if you find any hehe.  
> Thank to all the people who encourage me to write this and to my lovely beta belén <3

_I love you more than the world can contain in its lonely and ramshackle head._

_There’s only a shadow of me; in a matter of speaking, I'm dead._

_._

He is your beginning, and you are his end. It doesn't get much simpler than that.

.

You see him walking away from you, or, more precisely, walking towards his end. You look at him, tears stinging in your eyes, hands trembling, heart pounding, you look at him and you realize that you could have loved him, if only you got more time.

(But time is exactly the only thing you have.)

A plan is beginning to form in your mind, but you want to wait at least a few seconds, only to commit this very moment to your memories, watching him as he fades away a promise is born.

(You won't lose Neil again. This time, you'll do everything right.)

.

Time, you realize, is a complex thing. You don't exactly know when you are going to meet Neil again, but what you do know, it's that is going to happen. So, you start becoming more aware of the people surrounding you, more than you were before, of course.

You start to see his face in strangers, your heart beating against your chest, hope dying in a matter of seconds.

You start to see his face in strangers, until you realize that right now, you are a stranger to him, and he is a stranger to you.

.

“I'm sorry for your loss.” Priya says, looking at you with her cold eyes, but you can see that deep down she really is sorry.

You wonder if she has lost someone too, if that's why she has this blind faith in the mission, because she has no other choice but to believe. You wonder, but you know wondering doesn't do much.

"I always liked Neil, that boy was too intelligent for his own good."

"What do you mean _did_... He isn't here in this timeline?" You ask, desperation clear in your words.

The ice in Priya's eyes melts as sorrow takes over them.

"Neil was born on the mid-eighties, he died this year, believing on a purpose greater than him." She pauses and puts her arm in your shoulder. "You are not going to find him in the future. Sorry."

Neil’s words ring in your ears.

_You have a future in the past._

He has a master’s degree in physics, you should have known metaphors weren’t his strong suit.

Still, it stings.

Still, it feels like giving up on him.

(You don’t like metaphors either, but you dislike giving up even more.)

.

You made a promise to Kat. You can’t go back to save Neil, not yet, and it’s eating you from your insides.

You blow Priya’s brains, she is a threat to Kat and Max, and that’s the only solution you could think of.

You should feel relieved at the prospect of not having to worry about her interests, but comfort is the last thing you identify. Somehow, you still had the naïve hope that she could help you find Neil in the future.

(Even after researching about him and finding out everything she said is true. Even after laying flowers on his grave, a fake one, of course, dated too many years ago. Even after receiving his belongings from Ives’ hands.

_He’d like you to have his things, your things._

Our things. That’s a foreign concept to you.)

You blow Priya’s brains, and you cry like a baby coming home.

.

Kat notices, obviously, she is an art appraiser of course she has a good eye for the details.

“You don’t look good.” She states one day, after finishing her dinner.

You knew you should had stayed out, not contacting her ever again, but you felt so lost after the mission that you succumbed to the familiarity of her.

You don’t say anything, choosing to look at her.

“Is it because of what happened to Neil?” She asks, her gaze turning soft on you.

You look away, the hurt pressing on your chest.

“Yes.” You say, shortly.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t know you two were close.”

_We weren’t,_ you want to say, _we could have been_ , but you know that doesn’t quite cover the complexity of your feelings.

“Me neither.”

Kat looks at you, and you can tell she is confused by your answer. You are too.

But you have decided that you do not care.

.

Kat invites you to live with them. _This way you won’t have to worry about our safety_ , she says with a soft smile, and you accept, if only to not feel the loneliness aching in your bones.

She knows it, that you are hurting, but she lets you be, and that’s the grander gesture she could have done.

.

You like Max, Kat’s son. You like Kat too. In another reality this could’ve been your life, and deep down, you know that you would have been _happy_.

(As happy as you could have been without knowing the radiance of Neil’s smile.)

You think of calloused hands and golden hair, you think of lopsided grins and soft mannerisms, you think of explosions and dead bodies.

.

Ives calls you sometimes, lets you know small details he thinks you could find interesting, and you really do. It isn’t easy, searching for something you don’t know, and Ives tries to help you. You thank him, of course, and try to sound as interested as he is, but everything converges in the same point.

Neil.

.

_“I feel like I’ve known you forever.” You say, your eyes fixed on Neil’s._

_He laughs quietly, his shoulder shaking softly, a small smile playing on his lips._

_“Maybe you do.” He says, and there’s a tenderness in his eyes that you didn’t see before._

_“Maybe.” You reply and start to pour yourself another coffee._

_Neil sighs and his hands play with his keychain. A disc with an orange cord attached to it._

_You wonder._

.

You watch Max grow up, he is twelve when you teach him about things far more complex than what his brain can process, he is fourteen when you teach him how to fight. He is sixteen when you teach him who his father was.

_You could have been a good father,_ Kat tells you, all soft touches and shy smiles, _you could have been a good husband._

She kisses you and you kiss her back. She tastes like strawberries and soft spring afternoons, she tastes like hope and peace.

(She does not taste like dreams and sunlight nor does she taste like hot summer nights and stolen kisses.)

You kiss her back and try not to mourn the nonexistent kisses of a ghost.

.

And, for a while, that’s enough.

But a while is not long period of time, it seems.

.

“I can’t compete with the ghost of a dead man.” She says, her hurt evident in her words.

“I’ve never asked you to compete with him.” You say but she shakes her head.

“You don’t realize it, do you?” With a sigh, she gets up from her bed, _your_ bed. “I can’t even compete with him because there was no competition in the first place.”

You say nothing because she is right. She is always right.

Kat storms out of the room, leaving the smell of her expensive perfume behind. And you wonder how you ended like this, trapped in the remnants of an unfulfilled fantasy.

(But you remember soft smiles and casual touches, and you _understand_.

There was no exit in the labyrinth, and, still, you did enter, not looking back.

Just like he entered the epicenter.

A suicide missions.)

.

“ _I don’t like her.” He mutters._

_“Who?” You ask, surprised with his revelation._

_“Kat.” He replies, not looking at you._

_You look at Kat, asleep on the rudimentary stretcher, breathing evenly. Not only it shocks you that someone could dislike her, but the thing you find more unbelievable of all is the fact that Neil is able to dislike anyone. Since the day you met him, you’ve only seen him display playful smiles and soft gestures to everyone, even strangers._

_“Why?” You simply ask._

_Neil finally looks at you, a little taken aback from your question, it turns out, he did not expect that._

_“I think she is endangering us all. She does not care about the mission, she only cares about her son, and, maybe, you.” He says, and you can see that his jaw is quenched._

_If you didn’t know him, you’d say he is jealous, but it can’t be. You met him two weeks ago, it’s nearly impossible for him to have developed any kind of feelings, and least of all, for you._

_“We owe this to her Neil, you know that, after all he had done to her. She needs closure.” You start to say, softly, like you are talking to a wounded animal._

_“I know, that’s why I haven’t opposed this. But that does not mean that I have to like her.”_

_“No, it doesn’t.” You agree with him, and it’s strange the way his body relaxes. “But you should give her another chance, you’d find that maybe you have misjudged her.”_

_Neil raises a brow but doesn’t say a word._

_You wonder._

.

You pack your bag and leave a note behind, not wanting to bother Kat anymore. She is the last reminiscence of a family that you have, and you know she is hurting now and that the best thing you could do is leave her be.

You miss Max, of course, and even Kat. You miss her like the friend she is to you, because, after all that happened you could never erase that label. You miss her like the family she is to you.

But you don’t miss her in the same way that you miss Neil, not for a single second, and you realize exactly what she meant then.

You had already filled the role of _lover_ in your life, and no one could get him out of your heart. It’s a shame you had to hurt her in order to have that realization.

.

You see her again two weeks after, a message on the phone you gave her. You go to the location, and she is right there, alone.

“I’m sorry.” She starts saying. 

“You are not the one who should apologize.” You intervene with a sigh. “I knew from the start it was a bad idea, I’m not going to forget him ever. I’m sorry for hurting you Kat.”

“And I shouldn’t have expected you to. I’m sorry too, really sorry.” She gets near you. “And, if you don’t want to come back, I understand, I do, but you are part of our family now and I… I missed you.”

You take her hand and squeeze it tight.

“I missed you too, and Max too. You are my family.” You say, with a warm smile. “I want to come back, if you let me.”

She smiles at you, tears in your eyes.

“You’ll always be welcome there.”

Kat hugs you and you hold her tight. Your chest feels lighter than before.

.

You turn forty-six the same year Max turns twenty. You still live with them, but Kat’s hands don’t hold you down at night anymore.

You find yourself relieved at the prospect of spending nights alone because, now, you don’t feel guilty when you dream about someone else’s gentle touch, because you don’t betray her anymore. 

Kat always deserved someone who could love her with their whole heart and deep down you’d always known that you weren’t that person.

Your heart is a single seater.

.

“I think it’s time.” Kat says, one day, her eyes fixed on her computer screen.

You look at her, it’s been fifteen years since the Tenet operation, fifteen years since Neil’s death. Kat’s eyes look tired, wrinkles on her mouth that weren’t on that day.

“Time for what?” You ask, even though you know the answer to that.

“Time to come back, to create Tenet.”

You look at her, again, and now she is looking at you, determination clearly in her eyes.

“And what about Max?” You question her.

“What about him?”

“Are you really going to leave him?”

She takes off her reading glasses, her blue eyes as piercing as the first day.

“Of course not. He is coming with us. I’ve already talked to him, and you know there’s no one more capable than him for this mission.”

And, the thing is, you know that. Max has been studying time since he got out of school, graduating with honors years earlier than most. He is a PhD in physics, a prodigy.

There’s no one smarter than him, not in his field, not after Neil, but still, it doesn’t feel right to ask him to throw his life _here_ to go to the past, to the _unknown._

“Don’t think so loud, he already agreed to go, ask him yourself. You should give him more credit, he is not that naïve boy anymore.” Kat murmurs, her voice soft as velvet.

There’s pride in her voice, but there’s also sadness. She mourns the boy Max used to be, the boy who had not a worry in his mind, but that boy was lost the day Sator died.

.

You hear her entering the room before you see her, busy as you are reading scientific papers. You need to be documented if you are really going to do this, to travel backwards in time, but your brains hurt, a headache starting. 

“What do you want?” You ask her, a little too harsh, but you can’t help but be in a horrible mood. 

You are not looking at her, but you can feel the way she rolls her eyes at you. 

“Max sends me, he told me he has something for you in the lab.” Kat tells you. 

“I don’t have time for games.” You reply, turning the page on your book. 

“It’s not a game, he’s been preparing this for you since he learned about entropy, and I’m not going to let you disrespect him like that.”

You raise your eyes to look at her. Kat has never been prone to anger, so her reaction surprise you. Her brows are furrowed, a scowl forming on her face. She resembled a mother admonishing her kid, and somehow that thought brought a smile to your lips.

“Sorry Kat, you know how unsufferable I get when I’m nervous. I apologize.”

“I know.” She replies, her tone softer this time.

She walks away from the door, leading the way to the lab where Max is. You feel curious about what he is been doing, but you know him, so you refrain to ask any unwanted question.

“Hey, your mother told me you have something for me.” I say.

Max looks at me through his glasses, his face looking almost like an exact replica of his mother’s. He is lucky, you think, to have inherited most of his mother features.

“Actually, yes. I’ve been working with the concept of entropy for a while, you know. And I found some interesting characteristics of it.” He starts saying, while walking away from the table and towards his cabinets.

He takes two small containers from there and place them on the table. You look intrigued at both, one has a bullet and the other one it’s just scrapes of metals. They have nothing in common, at least, at first glance.

“As you can see, I have two bullets, one that’s intact and the other one that has been rejuvenated. The only difference between them is that one has suffered from the effects of inverted entropy, and the other not.” He explains to us.

You gasp, not entirely sure of what you understood of it. You are not really sure of anything, but somehow, you suspect where it all leads up to.

“What do you mean?” You ask, your hands trembling.

“It means that you can be the same age as Neil, that your body can go back to how it was when you met him.”

.

Hope is a new feeling to you, but its warmth feels familiars on your chest. You think that has to do with a certain blonde, but you don’t dare to speak his name aloud in fear of summoning a great tragedy.

_Hope_ , you taste that word on your tongue and it feels right.

.

You are afraid to come back, you realize. You are afraid to come back because it means you have to live with the uncertainty of Neil not knowing you, because it means that he won’t look at you with the warmth his eyes once possessed. 

It’s a strange realization, the fact that you are afraid of seeing him again after all these years.

But, in the end, you enter the two-sided room, and everything becomes a blur from there.

.

Hours, days, months, years, it all passed in a matter of seconds in front of your eyes. It’s been almost fifteen years since that first time, but everything is still new to you. It’s almost like magic, you think.

Inverting is bearable, not the best experience but not the worst either.

( _The worst experience is, after all, living with the hole Neil left in you, living in a world where there is no Neil at all._

_That it’s the most excruciating ache you’ve ever received_.)

Kat reaches for your hand, and you appreciate the gesture. She is trying to tell you many things, things she has already said before, things you always want to hear. Things like _everything will be alright_ , things like _Neil is going to be alright._

You close your eyes and bask in the marvelous feeling of being hopeful for one second.

Everything is going to be alright, you do really think.

( _You close your eyes and see ice blue eyes staring back at you, playful smile on someone else’s lips._ )

.

Being back to the 2010’s feels weird. Looking back at yourself in the mirror and seeing yourself in your twenties feels weird, too. Not a wrinkle in your face, not a grey hair in your head.

Kat has not changed a bit, neither has Max, but you did.

You feel like you should be sadder about your change than what you feel, but, right now, you can’t think of a reason to _why_ you could be sad. Not when you are living in a world where Neil is still alive, not when the promise of seeing him again is so close to be fulfilled.

_Neil_ , you think. His name is starting to become a sacred mantra.

Maybe it has been all along.

.

The first time you see him, you can’t believe your eyes. Neil is standing there, in the middle of the street, looking very much alive, his eyes fixed on a book he was carrying. You let out a ragged breath, your chest feeling lighter than it had in years.

You know you are not allowed to contact him, not yet, but the prospect of seeing him again gives you enough self-control to not reach him, to not try to touch him.

You adjust your sunglasses and continue your path, trying to suppress the small smile forming in your lips.

.

“You shouldn’t seek him.” Kat nags you.

“I know.” You say, not bothering to look up from your book.

“But you still do it.” She points out.

You sigh.

“Look, whatever happened it’s going to happen anyway, so I’m not endangering the mission.”

Kat does not reply, but you can tell she is not happy about your response.

(But you don’t care anymore, not when it involves Neil.)

.

Destiny, you discover, is a whimsical thing.

You bump into Neil almost every week, most of the time by completely and truly coincidence.

You meet him one day, while shopping for a pair of shoes, he is standing outside the shop, searching for directions.

You meet him another day, while searching for an open drugstore, 2 am on a rainy day, and he is leaving someone’s house, hair disheveled, and he does not look back.

You meet him and meet him and meet him again, and wonder if there’s such a thing as destiny, because you are running low on patience.

You know you can’t rush things, but you are not sure for how long you can wait for a sign anymore.

(You are not sure if there’s going to be a sign at all.)

.

It turns out, theirs is a sign after all.

Just not the sign you would have liked.

.

They found him in a dark alley in Tokyo, in a coma thanks to the non-lethal drug the FBI gave him. He is lucky, not like you, and he only has his jaw broken and a few fingers, he’ll recover, you know that, but still you feel the pang of worry in your chest.

You spend all the time that you can next to his bed, telling him stories about your past, your present, and your _future_.

You see him come to life again, slowly, his eyes fluttering mildly.

He looks at you and you know exactly what is going through his mind, and you can’t help but smile gently.

“Welcome to the afterlife.”

.

You visit him every day, bringing small different things each day. Things he understands, things he doesn’t.

You tell him about your life, about the mission. You tell him most things, but you omit the big part that is him.

He looks at you with his blue eyes, too confused about most things, but he catches with it quickly, just like you knew he would.

You smile often at him, more than you usually do.

.

_“If you could be anywhere in the world right where would you be?” Neil asks you, while eating._

_He insisted on taking you to this Italian restaurant, arguing that it was one of the best in Oslo. You wanted to ask him how he knew so much about this city, but you refrained. Becoming fond of him would only bring you problems._

_“Right now?” You ask in reply to him. Neil only nods and continues to eat his meal._

_It’s a difficult question, you think to yourself. In the last year, you have not gotten the chance to ask yourself the answer to that._

_“I always wanted to go to Spain, it’s one of the few places in the world that I haven’t gotten the opportunity to visit. Maybe some paradisiac island too. I don’t know. Somewhere with good food and good weather too.”_

_He looks at you, a familiar smile on his lips. He looks happy with your answers, but the reason why remains unknown, at least, for you._

_“We could go there, for our next mission.” He suggests drinking from his wine. “I went there one time, it was great.”_

_He looks through the windows, avoiding your gaze. You wonder what’s going on inside his mind, his eyes suddenly sorrowful._

.

“If you could be anywhere in the world right now where would you be?” You ask him, and he raises his head to see if you are kidding or not.

Of course, you are not kidding, but he does not know you yet.

“Spain.” He says, his thin lips forming a smile. “My mother lived there for a while, and I always wanted to go there.”

“Me too.” You whisper softly.

You never believed in destiny nor did you believe in a god, but lately you have been doubting the nonexistence of a superior being, because you cannot explain these small coincidences that leave you in awe.

Sometimes you think it’s all because you were tailor-made for him.

Sometimes you think it’s because you are two halves of the same person.

Neil and you. You and Neil.

It does not get much simpler than that.

Not for you, at least.

.

In the end, you take him to Spain. You tell everyone that’s because of you, you had always wanted to go there, but you know that’s not why.

It all comes down to the warm smile on Neil’s lips, to the glint of content in his blue eyes. You look at him, admiring his beauty under the Mediterranean sun, and adrenaline curses through your veins, a million thoughts in your head.

(You want to touch his hand, you want to embrace him in your arms, to kiss the corner of his lips. You want soft glances in the middle of the night, you want golden hair on your fingers. You want.

And want.

And _want_.)

You long for too many things, you realize, none of them within your reach. It makes you sad, of course.

“Are you okay?” Neil asks, his voice soft and worried.

You look at him, he is right next to you, looking back at your concern clear in his eyes.

You shake your head.

“Don’t worry. It was just memories.” You say while you try to smile.

He hums to himself, not fully convinced but he smiles back at you, but this time, the smile does not quite reach his eyes.

.

“Do you miss it?”

You look up from your dish, not quite catching what he means.

“Uh? What do you mean?” You ask.

Neil smiles and lets out a soft laugh.

“Your old life. Being a normal human being not worried about the end of times.” He clarifies, taking a sip from his wine.

That question leaves you thinking for a few moments.

“Sometimes I do. But most times I don’t. This has brought me more than it took. Now I have a family and a purpose.” You say, looking at him in the eyes.

_This mission brought me you_ , you want to say but don’t. It wouldn’t make a difference, only make things more complicated and stiffer, and that’s the last thing you need right now.

Neil’s smile becomes wider.

“I don’t miss my old life either. This one feels more vibrant and exciting. I like that.” He says.

“I figured you would.”

He laughs, again, his cheeks turning rosy.

You know that’s because of the wine, not because of you, but still you feel butterflies on your stomach. You’ve never been a dreamer, nor a devotee of lost causes, but oh, how Neil has changed you.

.

You wander through the small streets of an old city you do not remember the name of. Neil is talking, of course he is, and you let out a few hums and nods to let him know you are listening to him. He talks with his hands more than he does with words, and you can’t help but find it endearing.

It’s the small things for you, you realized long ago, what made him so unique to you. It’s the way his eyes light up when he talks about physics, the way he touches his hair when he is nervous. It’s the way his voice softens when he talks to someone hurt, the way he keeps a tight schedule every day.

It’s the way his hand always finds the route to your shoulder, the way he’s only honest with you. The way he is always agreeing to all your plans, even the stupid ones.

.

You have made peace with the fact that you are not going to be more than anything else than Neil’s partner in crime. That doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt anymore, of course, but it’s becoming more tolerable each time he looks at you.

He confides in you now, and you are happy with that development. Happy with the way his eyes search for you first each time he says something funny, happy with the way he knows your coffee order each morning, happy with the way he says your name when he is worried or cheerful or frustrated.

You are happy, you tell yourself, because it means you are friends.

You are happy, except you aren’t. Not really.

.

“I want to resign.” Neil says, one day, opening the door in your office.

You scoff, it’s not the first time he has made that joke.

“I really mean this. I’m not fit for this type of job.” And, this time, he is looking at you, straight in the eye, not a trace of playfulness in his eyes.

“That’s nonsense, you are the most qualified person for our mission, Neil, and you know you can’t leave Tenet.” You tell him, leaving the paper you were working on your desk. “I don’t want to kill you.”

Those words take you back to another place, another time, one that seems so far away. Except that it’s not.

( _It’s the year 2020. And you are with Neil in a hotel room talking about the mission, and the possibility of having to kill him. He laughs and looks at you in a manner you don’t quite comprehend but still, you smile at him._ )

“I can’t continue, not anymore, because… right now, I’m compromising the mission. I realized that I…” Neil sighs, avoiding your gaze. “I fell in love with someone, and I don’t think I’ll be able to put the mission in front of this person.”

Those words hit you with a feeling of heartache that it nearly makes you breathless. You look at Neil, your stomach curling into himself, and try to put the best poker face you can do.

You always knew this day would come, there’s no way someone as brilliant and beautiful as him could ever notice you, and it was only a matter of time since he’d found a person he could be devoted to. Still, it hurts in the worst way.

You try to swallow your sorrow down your throat.

“But Neil, resign wouldn’t do any favor to them, after all, what we are trying to do is save the world, it’s in your best interest that you stay here in Tenet.” You tell him. “And it’s not like it’s forbidden to have any sort of relationship outside of this.”

He looks at you, a sad smile on his lips.

“The problem is that he works with me, and I… I can’t choose between him and the world, because I would always choose him first.”

.

_“Do you love her?” Neil asks you, one night, after a few drinks._

_He is looking at Kat when he asks you this, she is there, dressed in her best clothes on the rooftop of this fancy restaurant, looking at the stars. He is looking at Kat, and you are looking at him, and it’s almost like it’s the start of a bad joke. He is looking at Kat under the Nordic sky, his gaze longing for something. Her, you think._

_“No.” You reply, and it’s the truth. Kat is beautiful, no one can deny that, but the mission is more important than her. And there’s the fact that hers are not the blue eyes you’ve been yearning for, that too._

_“You don’t?” Neil inquires you, full of surprise._

_You shake your head, denying that._

_His demeanor has changed, he is now turned to you, his head tilted. He looks beautiful under this light, under any light, really, but here, under the moonlight he looks almost ethereal, like some fallen angel._

_“Then, why do you care so much?”_

_You swallow._

_“It’s the right thing to do.”_

_He laughs, quietly, his shoulder shaking almost imperceptibly, and he looks at you, his blue eyes piercing yours. He looks at you in a way that does not leave you indifferent, and your hands tremble. You want something, but you cannot quite place what._

_“You and your faultless moral compass.” He says, more to himself than to you._

_It seems strange, the way he says that, like he had known you his whole life, but that’s impossible, right?_

_He gets closer to you, and, for a second, you believe he is going to kiss you. He is looking at you, still, his eyes fixed on yours, his hands slightly touching yours, and you wish._

_And you wish._

_And you wish._

_._

“The problem is that he works with me, and I… I can’t choose between him and the world, because I would always choose him first.”

You think of explosions, you think of endings, you think of an orange cord attached to a golden coin, of an inverted bullet saving you on the opera in Kiev, you think of an almost kiss on the rooftop of a restaurant in Oslo.

And you think that maybe, he has been doing that all this time, putting you before the mission, like your life is something valuable to him, like you mean something to him. You look at him, his eyes shining with an emotion you now can identify.

_Longing._

It’s the same one you recognize on your own brown eyes when you look at yourself in the mirror.

.

_“What are you going to do after this?” Neil asks you, his tone casual._

_“I don’t know. I’m technically dead and I didn’t have any family left so I’ll probably buy a dog.” You say, not sure if you are really kidding or not._

_Neil lets out a soft laugh and you feel warmth spreading through your chest._

_“And what about you? Do you have anyone waiting for you at home?” You ask, suddenly intrigued._

_Neil looks at you and, for a moment, a shadow of pain crosses his eyes. You do not like that look on his eyes._

_“I…” He starts and this is the first time you have seen hesitating before speaking._

_You are more interested than before if that’s even possible. In the short time that you have known him you have never seen him doubt about anything at all. Neil carries himself with a security you envy, never hesitant before speaking, each word calculated._

_“I used to have someone, but he actually never waited for me at home.” He avoids looking at you when he says that. “We were sort of partners in crime.”_

_His face is softer than ever, a small smile laying on his lips, the kind of smile you have never seen on his face._

_“And what happened to him?” You ask before you notice._

_Neil looks up, at you, and he outlines a sad smile, his eyes watering for a second._

_“He died on me.”_

.

“I’ll always choose you first too, Neil.” You say, the words escaping your lips.

You can’t believe you actually said those words aloud, but you don’t have time to process it before he kisses you.

I love you I love you I love you, your mind chants as his hands find the way to your face. He kisses you with a delicacy you do not deserve, like you are something breakable, like you could vanish in any second. He kisses you with the softness that’s so characteristically of him, eager but careful. You kiss him back, of course, and you thread your finger through his golden hair.

You’ve dreamed about this moment a thousand times before, but, somehow, reality is better.

You kiss for hours, or seconds, you can’t really tell it apart, but he separates from you after a while, his smile blinding you like the sun.

Neil looks at you in the eyes, a gesture that’s so familiar but new at the same time, and he can’t help but giggle, his blue eyes filled with love. You are not sure you had ever been so happy before, because, here, in Neil’s arms, you feel like you could die in peace.

.

Neil likes mornings, you soon realize. It makes sense, you think. He is all golden edges and soft warmth, like he is the real embodiment of the sun itself. Sometimes, it hurts to look at him, all resplendent smiles and tender hands, but still, he is your favorite view.

You are not like him, you find solace in the soft midnight’s skies, when the city is asleep. You used to go to sleep when the sun was rising anew, but not anymore. Now you rise with the sun and eat breakfast early in the morning. You are not a morning person, not really, but for him you could be whatever he liked you to.

So, when he asks you to be his husband you accept, your eyes blurry and your cheeks aching from smiling too hard. He kisses you, and he smiles into the kiss too. You look at him and wonder, wonder what you did in a past live to be lucky in this one, lucky enough to have this man loving you.

.

You marry him on a sunny Sunday morning, a small wedding, filled with all your family and friends. Kat is there, too, and she is almost as happy as you. What happened between you and her has been long forgotten, old tensions faded away with time.

Max hugs Neil and congratulates him, they are almost the same age now, and Kat kisses your cheek.

“It was all worth it, just because of this moment.” She says, her hands touching yours.

“Thank you, for everything, I couldn’t have made it without you.” You reply, a soft grin on your lips.

Kat hugs you. There are no words to describe the immense gratitude you feel towards her, so you decide to do nothing and hug her back instead. When you drift apart, you look at Neil, he is smiling at you, all softness and quiet reverence in his eyes.

You want to live forever in this moment, with him looking at you, quiet reverence, and love in his eyes. But you are content to commit this instant to your mind, saving a mental photograph deep in your mind for the rainy days.

(Even though you know that, with Neil by your side, there won’t be any rainy days.)

.

You bought a house together. You inaugurate it by kissing Neil in every corner of it. He laughs every time.

You trace his profile in the dark, all edges, and you get mesmerized by how he shines in between all this domestic bliss. You cook for him, badly at first, but getting better each time.

You learn everything about him, and he learns everything about you. You see him at his worst, dark nightmares, soft crying in the middle of the night. But you also see him at his best, blinding happiness, child-like enthusiasm.

You love him, more than you could ever imagine.

And, the greatest thing of it all, is that he loves you too.

.

You heard the bullet before it hit you. It doesn’t hurt, you think, and you are not quite sure if that’s because of the adrenaline or because you saved him.

Because, the thing is, that bullet was never meant to hit you, never was your name on the target list, but it ended otherwise. Or maybe not, you should know that by now, what is going to happen, will. Past, future it’s all the same.

Warmth spreads through your chest and you feel Neil’s hand on your shoulders, he is saying something, you think, but you can’t hear him.

You are going to die, you realize, all noise gone.

He is looking at you, and you now see that he is mouthing words to you, words that look like _please don’t you die on me please_. You hate to this to him, to make the soft smile you adore gone. It hurts you, more than the hole in your chest.

You raise your hand to him, caressing his cheek, caressing his lips.

“I love you Neil.” You say, with the last strength you have, and he tells you that he does too. That he loves you more.

You think that’s absurd, you traveled backwards in time to meet him, you spent twenty years missing him, you gave your life for him and you would do it every time if you had more chances to do so. You love him more, but you are not going to tell him that, because this moment is for him, not you. You were meant to love him, you realize, and now, in his arms, you feel complete.

Time is not linear, it never was, it’s circular, like the keyring in Neil’s backpack that you bought him on your first anniversary, and your circle is closing now.

You don’t close your eyes because you want to die looking at him, even in this moment, he continues to be the most beautiful person you have ever seen, and you always were at peace when you looked at him.

You think of endings, but you think of beginnings too. You think of a hotel in Mumbai, of Neil ordering your go-to beverage in missions. You think of bungee jumping and hating every second of it. You think of the last five years by his side. You think of the house you bought together, and the small things you left for him there.

He is your end, and you are his beginning. A circle. A tenet.

FIN

**Author's Note:**

> I hoped you liked it <3  
> If you liked pls spare me a kudo and/or a comment, thank you so much <3  
> you can fin me in tumblr: everdeenwayland!


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